"Mommy, It's Christmas!"

raf and our half-done christmas tree,
with the labada in the background. hahaha.

i used to enjoy hearing carolers sing outside our home. i grew up in a small town where daigon is very much practiced and how 6pm signals the start of merrymaking and singing at every home possible, every night. lately though, it annoys me how kids think of daigon as just a way of earning money. i mean, yes, it's a fun way to earn the next day's baon but when they become competitive and try to take advantage of you by coming back to your place twice or even thrice a night, it takes the joy out of this christmas tradition.

our former nanny taught raf to say, "walay taw" whenever some people would start singing on our doorstep. we seldom have kids do the daigon here in our subdivision. we usually have teenagers and org members doing the nightly rounds.

raf was watching tv while i was checking my blog earlier when a group of boys sang "jingle bells." i gave him the hush signal so he wouldn't acknowledge the carolers' presence and immediately open the windows. i would have just wanted for them to sing until they get tired and assume nobody's home. i know, i know. i am such a scrooge. hehe. i was telling raf to sit down and just ignore the people outside when he said, "mommy, it's christmas. christmas di ba. oh, tan-awa ang christmas tree." i was embarrassed. hehehe. here is my 3-year old, telling me that in the spirit of christmas, i should stop being such...an adult. hahaha. i asked the nanny to get my wallet upstairs so i can shell out something for the carolers.

yes, christmas is indeed for the children and i owe it to them to make it as happy and as wonderful as it should be. jaded and cynical people are not allowed. ;)

Getting Married for all the Right Reasons

i wasn't exactly the blushing bride during our civil wedding

a few weeks ago, a friend ping-ed me at ym. she says her boyfriend proposed marriage to her already, and though she hasn't really given him a "no," she also didn't give her "yes." rather, she told him she'd think about it. and by thinking about it, she meant she'd ask her married friends first if, uh, you know, marriage is something we'd recommend her to do. i laughed out loud, honestly. i was speechless for a few seconds and when i regained my composure, i didn't quite know what to tell her. should i tell her, "yes, get married already!" or "no, don't, please, and save yourself?"

i am no expert when it comes to marriage, or to relationships. friends just come to me for advice because well, i am pretty good with boys. not that i've been into so many serious relationships. to my friends at least, it seemed that i have my way with the opposite crowd. but, i never slept around. not just my cup of tea. maybe you can call me your "tease girl" because that's just what i do, tease them naughty lot. and i have A LOT of guy friends. sensible, cool guy friends who would never mince words to get their points across.

being married myself for only a year, i wasn't sure what to tell my friend exactly except that marriage is not for the faint hearted. and motherhood, that's a completely different story to tell. marriage and motherhood had always been scary for me. it's a whole lot of responsibility. it's just that i didn't have the time and chance to be scared because it has been given to me already, on a silver platter, if that's any consolation.

so, why did ppip and i get married? no, it wasn't because i got pregnant. i told him repeatedly, i won't get married just because i got pregnant. hello, an annulment costs so much more than a church wedding. two, i was pretty confident that even without his support, i can raise my child on my own. that's what one who belongs to a closely-knit family would feel anytime.

ppip and i got married two years after raf was born. we did that not only because we are living in the same roof anyway and we're almost married in that sense but because we know that we are quite ready for it. maybe we can get stoned for our liberal thinking but you know, if while living together we had discovered that we can't live with each other despite best efforts, then we have to go our separate ways. you can't argue with each other for the rest of your life, you can't just keep on tolerating your partner's bad and ngil-ad habits forever.

in the course of our relationship, there were several times when i threatened to pack my bags and leave him, for good. and always, always, it would be him who'd remind me of the good days, of the fun times, of the bad-yet-we-were-able-to-survive moments. it's not that because my mind and heart hasn't kept a treasure trove of these memories, but because when you're fed up and tired and exhausted of raising not only two kids, but an adult as well, you tend to just say, "okay, this is it." and while all people think i am lucky to have ppip yet he is kind of shortchanged with me because of my bitchiness, try living with this prince charming and you'll know how difficult he can get and why i had more than once planned on ditching him. see? this what i am talking about. marriage is not for the weak. because while i can go on all day about how hard it is to maintain and cultivate this sacred relationship, i am still here, still with my husband because that's just how it is. and we have only been married for a year and a half! and mind you, it is not all about love. nor money.

so what did i finally tell my friend? i said, "why don't you join us for noche buena and we can discuss it over spaghetti and chicken macaroni?"

13 on 13

our elementary school had its first general alumni homecoming last saturday, the 13th. it was supposedly our batch's 13th anniversary as we graduated march 1995. of course, i wasn't able to attend because first and foremost, i only knew of the homecoming some 3 weeks ago. i don't want to sound so important but with my job, i need to plan all vacations and out-of-town trips. second, my parents were here and yes, the kids got sick. it would've been fun to see old classmates, to know how they're doing now and to catch up on who's dating who in our batch. hahaha.

friendster provides all these information, though. whenever i'd check former classmates' profiles and learn how they're all working now in these big companies and visiting countries and enjoying so much, i get happy. it's hard to imagine some of them, young and carefree and naughty and with snog dripping from their noses (haha!) then, becoming doctors and engineers and supervisors now. i am proud that public school products that we are, we have made it in the real world somehow.

and honestly sometimes, when i look at their young, carefree and i-have-conquered-the-world grins on their faces while posing in a foreign land, i feel a little wistful. oh, don't get me wrong. i have never regretted the fact that we, ppip and i, started young. but you know, it gets to you at times. that while your batchmates are having the time of their lives, driving their own car to work, you, the valedictorian of your batch, is a corporate slave, without even a car. in between bouts of insanity, i think, had my life been better if ppip and i practiced self-control? hahaha. now, pretend you didn't read that last sentence.

like last week. while everyone else has been busy scampering off to the mall, wasting their bonuses on shoes priced at P5000, i was busy as well - driving to and from chong hua, running errands and attending to my sick children. yes, it gives you a distinct self-worth, being this responsible young mother and all. but at the peak of my tiredness, a little voice says, "wouldn't it be so nice to not think of anyone else but you, you and you?" well, we chose this life. we could've easily decided to leave the kids at my mother's and she'd welcome the distraction with open arms but then, it wouldn't make me any happier as well.

maybe yes, i am insecure regarding some aspects of my life (but this definitely doesn't include being insecure about my husband. gawd, really! look at him and look at me and look at them) but it doesn't mean that i am not content nor happy. i am 26, i reckon it's normal for me to want to be free and get wild a few times a year? at least when i get 40, i wouldn't have that urge to act like 20 anymore. pray forbid that doesn't happen to me. i wouldn't want to be 40, frustrated, ugly, shriveled and unhappy. surely, when one isn't rich enough to afford facelift and botox and diamond peel, she doesn't have the right to be frustrated, ugly, shriveled and unhappy? hahaha.

ah, the reunion could've been fun indeed. maybe in our 20th year, i'd be there. and there'd be fireworks. and lots of laughter, reminiscing and no, not what-ifs.

Merry Christmas?

the christmas carnival at the waterfront

eight more days of work and it will be christmas! but why don't i feel christmas-y? even our gorgeous christmas tree failed to brighten my spirit. perhaps i am too tired and stressed yet to celebrate. i haven't regained my strength after our hospital stay last week. and i am broke. super broke. i know christmas shouldn't be equated with the material things we give and receive but i have always loved to buy stuff and presents for friends and family that now that i don't have enough moolah to give everyone gifts, i feel bad. add to the fact that i haven't even started on my mailing list! boo hoo.

i should get out of this rut soon. i have more than a hundred reasons to be thankful and to celebrate this december 25. first and foremost would have to be my children's fast recovery from their illness. so yes, broke or not, tired or not, i have to make it a merry christmas. if not for me, but for my not-so little and little one who'll be celebrating the holidays with me. :)